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Wisconsin Woes
Voters in Wisconsin faced health risks and lengthy wait times Tuesday as the state became the first to enforce in-person voting during the height of the Covid-19 epidemic. Late-night hosts lamented that Gov. Tony Evers couldn’t keep Wisconsin residents from having to leave their homes to vote, as the conservative-leaning Supreme Court decided late Monday that the state could not extend absentee voting during the pandemic.
“I guess it’s the Wisconsin way of showing New Hampshire that you can live free and die,” Stephen Colbert said during Tuesday’s “A Late Show” monologue.
“It’s clearly sadistic to make people risk their lives to vote but the ruling was no surprise coming from Chief Justice Jigsaw.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, referring to the “Saw” franchise villain
“Crowds of people packed into a tight space together sharing pens, elderly poll-workers — it’s a coronavirus all-you-can-eat buffet. And that’s all in addition to the usual dangers of voting, you know? Like getting your hand stuck in a ballot scanner.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Five polling sites for a city of 600,000 people. And I’m sorry, guys — those numbers just don’t make sense. Six hundred thousand people divided by five? That’s like — like, we all know what that number is. The point is it’s unfair to voters.” — TREVOR NOAH
“People standing around the block, huge numbers waiting to vote. During coronavirus? This is ridiculous. There are only two reasons people should be waiting in line for hours around a block — either Baby Yoda is doing a meet and greet or you are buying a pair of sneakers that are too nice to ever wear, and so you just put them in the back of your closet and brag about having them — but nobody ever knows if it’s true or not.” — TREVOR NOAH
“So many experts right now are arguing that the most responsible thing to do during coronavirus is just have everybody mail in their votes. Oh, and for my younger viewers, mail is when you have like a message and you send it to someone in a piece of paper. It’s like a Tik Tok but in an envelope. Oh, and an envelope is like an app, but you open it physically, with your hands.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Fight Island Edition)
“Hey, you know who might need a big ship? The UFC, because they just announced they are getting a private island to hold weekly fights amid the coronavirus crisis. I don’t see why they need to do this — why do you want a Fight Island? If you want a Fight Island, just come to the island of Manhattan and try to buy two rolls of toilet paper. It’s a total blood bath and then there’s nothing to wipe it up with.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Fighting on a private island or as I call it, every movie with Jean Claude Van Damme.” — JIMMY FALLON
“[imitating UFC fighter] Don’t worry, after I shatter your eye socket, I’m going to wash my hands for two ‘Happy Birthday’s. Now let me just punch you in the throat.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“So the good news is there are plenty of coronavirus tests. The bad news: they’re all on Fight Island so if your nanna’s got a fever, just pop a mouth guard in and lower her into the octagon.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Stephen Colbert and Conan O’Brien compared notes while appearing on each other’s shows.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
The cast of “Modern Family” will virtually join “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Wednesday night.
Also, Check This Out
The folk musician John Prine passed away from complications related to Covid-19 on Tuesday. He was 73.
